I have a Black Dog, and I renamed him Percy.

'Cow Heart Girl' is still me. I still have been through my surgery, now have my cow's valve and will have to deal with my heart condition throughout my life. But now that surgery is done and I don't have another appointment until April 9th 2015 (I wish I was kidding, but yes, I had to book an appointment THAT far in advance), my heart condition isn't at the forefront of my life. Therefore, as all things do overtime, Cow Heart Girl is going to evolve slightly. The name and design will stay the same, I like it, but it's going to become a bit more of a general health blog.  This also allows me to post more frequently, as there's only so much you can say about waiting for an appointment that's not for another 15 months. 

My blog is going to focus on the other conditions I have too, they are just as much a part of me as my heart condition is, I feel they shouldn't be ignored. My conditions are not things that are life threatening or leave me in hospital for weeks at a time, but they are part of who I am and they have an effect on my life in both negative and positive ways and writing my blog helps me feel a lot better, even if it sometimes seems I am writing about very trivial issues. 

Today I am going to write about Percy. Percy is my black dog and as the 'I had a black dog, his name was depression' video shows, Percy is an important part of my life. He reminds me a little of Kitkat, my boyfriend's family's cat. They weren't his original owners (we have since found they moved away, we aren't cat stealers!) but Kitkat decided he liked living with them, using the catflap that was for Timmy, the other family cat who has since passed away. He gradually spent more and more time hanging around until he was a permanent feature of the Knight family. He now takes permanent residence on any bed in the house, causing stress when anyone wants to sleep!!

Percy is my Kitkat and although he doesn't take the physical being that Kitkat does, he's there and he is the best way to describe my feelings. He's kind of adopted me I guess, but like all pets, he wants to be leader of the pack; but like all good owners, I have to assert my authority and ensure that Percy knows his place and that place is not as a leader. I have to find ways and tricks to train Percy to ensure that he is kept in check, knows his manners and doesn't turn my life into chaos. 

Percy is a Scottie dog, black in colour, but small and although likely to get under my feet, not big enough to dominate me. He's fiesty, but gradually, he's coming under control. Talking to people in similar situations and my Mental Health worker are helping wear Percy down and bring him under control. 

I can't pretend Percy is a puppy, he's been around for a while and must be a fully grown adult by now. The past year or so it's definitely felt like Percy's been at full strength, but I'm finally working out how to look after him and make him do what I want. He is my first black dog, therefore it's taken me a while to get used to it. Should Percy leave me in the future and a while later another black dog come into my life, I feel I will be better able to train my next dog accordingly and a lot quicker than I have worked with Percy. 

Unlike a lot of black dogs, Percy loves company and loves food. This has a positive and negative effect. Unfortunately Percy's sweet tooth and love for food often lead me to eat a lot more than I should, to feel constantly 'emotionally hungry' (as opposed to my body actually requiring food). But, unlike a lot of black dogs at least Percy wants to be fed, and doesn't make me want to not eat. Percy's love of company is unusual, he enjoys having reasons to go to social occasions and spend time with other people. This is a good thing, but it can sometimes lead to me feeling ever so lonely when people aren't there to spend time with Percy and I.

Percy is named as such because I am determined that my black dog will be personable. That he won't ever be allowed to get out of control and be a threat to myself or other people around me. Percy has his moments, like any dog, but they can only be allowed to go so far, sheer gut and determination will always prevail to make sure that he doesn't overstep the final line. 

I am learning to love Percy and I do feel like Percy has a love and respect for me and the more I learn to love him the more he'll love and respect me back. This in turn will allow me to start to love myself again, to realise that I'm not a bad person, that I'm not the failure I at times let myself think that I am.

I also have to learn that I can only do this by ensuring that I don't hide Percy away; that will only make him angry and when he fights his way out, he'll come out stroppy and unsociable. Instead, he needs to be allowed to walk with me, but under good obedience, to allow him to be happy and make me happy. 

To those who don't really understand, this is going to sound very silly, a girl who thinks she has an imaginary pet dog called Percy.  It almost makes me sound like a child, but you know what? I think the children have got it right. Some of the happiest children are the ones with the biggest imaginations, those who can dream up a whole world of imaginary friends that look out for them, can sometimes upset them or disappear for a while, but who are there for companionship. Regardless of how silly it sounds, how much of a negative or positive impact Percy is having at any one time, he is my constant companion.

Percy.

P.S. Three advantages to have a black dog instead of a real dog:
- They don't cost you a fortune in food and vets bills. 
- They don't need to be physically walked daily.
- You don't have to clean up after them.
Positive thinking, and all that!