As we already know, I had my heart surgery at the end of July and it was a complete success, but that isn't the only condition that I have. The other conditions are now starting to become more of a problem than my heart ever was and so I'm using my blog as an outlet, the reason I started my blog in the first place. It doesn't really matter if it's read, I've managed to get my thoughts in order and write them down in some way though.
I have been told to expect symptoms of depression for up to a year after my surgery, due to the trauma that the body is put through in such major surgery. I also have been diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, this has many symptoms, a lot of which are niggly things such as dry skin, dry and brittle hair. But also more severe symptoms such as fatigue and depression. Also, I finally decided to conquer what I thought had been an issue for a while now and in September I went to my doctor and now have an official diagnosis of moderate depression and moderate-severe anxiety.
So, depression from 3 different reasons, I can't even pretend that it's easy. I do try and hide it, I don't want it to completely define my whole being, but I also have to accept it's part of who I am. I'm not ashamed of having the condition, I just don't want it to be the only thing people think about when they're with me.
I am on medication and am currently getting mental health support through my University, so I am going through formal treatment, but that takes time and isn't a quick fix. I also have to try and work out how to manage it in a way that suits me and doesn't let it take over. Easier said than done.
It's very hard to describe how it makes me feel, but 'powerless' and a 'battle' are good words, if not exactly right. The battle is mainly due to different parts of my conscience fighting with each other over the endless cycle of not having the drive to do anything (people who know me well know I used to be extremely determined and stubborn) but then feeling guilty that I haven't done anything. Part of me struggles to even get out bed in the morning, whilst the other part of me 'tells me off' as such for being so lazy and unproductive, it's a vicious cycle that I can't work out how to break.
It's the same with actually facing up and getting stuff done, one of the hardest things is Uni work. It takes a lot of effort to even open a book, or start a piece of work because all I really want to do is run away from it (and probably cry, my eyes leak fairly regularly). When I do find the drive to do the work, I'm not finding the work extremely challenging, it's not easy, but it's doable and I'm coming out with pleasing results. It's so frustrating not being able to work out why I want to run away from it, when I don't actually find it too hard to do. I am getting help for this from my University, for which I am grateful, and their help is helping, but my mind is still in turmoil.
I feel very vulnerable, I find myself saying 'sorry' a lot, even if I haven't done anything wrong. I seem to think that there is fault in all I do and I'm very conscious of making mistakes, upsetting people and the like. I feel I have to explain all my actions to ensure that people know I'm not trying to do anything to upset or annoy them and that I am trying to do the right thing. It's bordering on paranoia but again, I haven't yet worked out how to make it stop.
I feel frustrated, that I can't understand why I'm like this, that I can't work out how to go back to the determined person I was, with a good work ethic and dreams for the future.
I feel lost, that I don't know where I'm going in life any more; that I'm not sure I want to do what I'm training in (I do, when I'm doing it, I love my work, but the frustration and uncertainty about what will happen after Uni causes self doubt). I don't know what the future holds as I know that the 'Uni' part of my life is about to come to the end and this scares me, it probably scares everyone, I know, but I don't feel mentally well enough to deal with it.
I feel like everyone else is making a smooth transition into adult life, friends of mine are now teachers, going into graduate jobs in scientific research, qualifying as nurses etc and I feel like a little girl all over again. I'm looking up to these people with awe and admiring them, but not thinking that I'll ever be able to do that too. I see people getting on with day to day tasks with no issue, whereas I struggle to even do simple things.
I just feel like I really need to screw my head on, and stop being silly, but I can't work out how to do that. I am a big advocate of better understanding of mental health. I would hate people to belittle my condition or tell me that 'I'm just being silly', but that's all I can ever tell myself. I'm my own worst enemy.
Finally, I just feel like I want to hide away and busybody around doing the things I enjoy and not having to worry about the practical stuff of money, jobs, getting a house and everything else that I have to sort out in this coming year. If I could get a little country cottage and spend my days doing nothing but baking, sewing, reading etc and my weekends doing my favourite hobbies of horse riding and battle re-enactment, I'd be a far happier girly. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that.
It's taken a good while to write this post, with edits here and there any my eyes leaking in the process, but I do feel better for having done it. I feel like I've been able to order things in my mind and it has, somehow given me a better understanding of things, if only a very little amount.
I just want to thank anyone who's got to the end of this for taking time out of their day to care. Knowing that does help, it does make me feel a little bit warm and fuzzy inside and maybe I need to feel a little warmer and fuzzier. I hope that if you are someone who is a good friend of mine, that I haven't opened up to completely about this, you can understand the changes in me that have happened over the past few years. I don't mean to have distanced myself from any of my friends and family, but quite frankly, at the moment I'm finding myself distancing myself from the world.
This video sums up life with depression:
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