#100HappyDays

Today has been an ok day. I've been stressed about Uni work, but I've also felt like I'm getting somewhere as I get things organised and completed. 

I went back to the doctors today to continue my treatment for various things. It is almost certain that I have a 4th condition to add to the list. I have been pretty much diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I have suspected this for a while and started getting it looked into when I was in Kent last year. I had tests done discounting other things such as being coeliac etc. Although these test have already been done, they were done in April and went on a hiatus whilst I was having and recovering from surgery. After being ill over Christmas, I decided it was time to dig out the letter from my old GP, detailing all the tests that had so far been carried out and pass them to my new GP to take the next steps.

She is going to redo the tests as they are a bit out of date now, and dependant on the results of the blood test, she is more than likely going to take the next step and refer me to a specialist. She discussed symptoms with me and it looks almost certain that it is IBS. Unfortunately, IBS is one of those that you have to diagnose by eliminating everything else first! 

I'm not too worried, I already have to [attempt to, doesn't mean I do it!] make sure I don't eat too much fat as I have previously been diagnosed with having gallstones that at the moment don't cause me any problems, but a reduced fat diet is helpful for those. It will be a case of increasing the right types of fibre through cereals, seeds and vegetables and trying to avoid sugary, fatty foods. Overall, it's not the end of the world and a change in diet will probably help me become healthier and maybe even shift a few pounds. 

Whilst I was there, I brought her up to date (she saw me a lot last term and I always make sure I see the same GP, as there's quite a few things going on!) on how I'd been feeling over Christmas. I told her before going home for the holidays that I was worried due to family circumstances (maybe we'll discuss this another time, we'll see) and so she asked me how I was. The holidays went better than I thought they were perhaps going to, but I did tell her that I was still feeling pretty low and that my anxiousness about various things was increasing and the range of things that triggered my anxiety was also broadening. 

She has decided to increase the medication I am on, by increasing it from 1 tablet a day to 2. We'll see how that goes for a while but I really hope it helps. 

I also know it's important to try and change (as best as possible, it's really not easy) your mindset, so when I came across the #100HappyDays hashtag on Facebook, I decided to look into it. 

100happydays.com is a photo challenge that you can either do privately through an email system (not sure how that bit works) or publicly through your Facebook, Twitter or Instagram account (when I say publicly, it's only as public as your account settings allow, nothing more than that). It involves taking a photo of something that has made you, at least a little bit, happy every day for 100 days and then sharing it in some way.

According to the website 71% of people don't complete the challenge, purely because they are too busy. The ethos of the challenge is to make time in the busy lifestyle of today's world for happiness. It's a very special idea, I feel. I have started this on my Facebook and I am determined to complete it as a tool to help myself focus on something happy/ positive for at least a few minutes each and every day. 

Today is Tuesday 14th of January, my 100th Happiest Day will be Thursday 24th of April. I am not going to look through the Facebook album at all between now and then, just upload a photo each and every day. I don't usually have my Facebook albums set to 'Public' but for the purposes of this, so that it can be linked with my blog, I am going to change the setting for this album, meaning that you can view it if you click here.

Hopefully this will help me in my mission to overcome my Mental Health problems and will be fun at the same time. On April 24th I'm going to look back at all the photos and see how far I have come in those 100 days. If it's a success, we'll move on to #200HappyDays and believe me, I really hope it is a success.

I have a Black Dog, and I renamed him Percy.

'Cow Heart Girl' is still me. I still have been through my surgery, now have my cow's valve and will have to deal with my heart condition throughout my life. But now that surgery is done and I don't have another appointment until April 9th 2015 (I wish I was kidding, but yes, I had to book an appointment THAT far in advance), my heart condition isn't at the forefront of my life. Therefore, as all things do overtime, Cow Heart Girl is going to evolve slightly. The name and design will stay the same, I like it, but it's going to become a bit more of a general health blog.  This also allows me to post more frequently, as there's only so much you can say about waiting for an appointment that's not for another 15 months. 

My blog is going to focus on the other conditions I have too, they are just as much a part of me as my heart condition is, I feel they shouldn't be ignored. My conditions are not things that are life threatening or leave me in hospital for weeks at a time, but they are part of who I am and they have an effect on my life in both negative and positive ways and writing my blog helps me feel a lot better, even if it sometimes seems I am writing about very trivial issues. 

Today I am going to write about Percy. Percy is my black dog and as the 'I had a black dog, his name was depression' video shows, Percy is an important part of my life. He reminds me a little of Kitkat, my boyfriend's family's cat. They weren't his original owners (we have since found they moved away, we aren't cat stealers!) but Kitkat decided he liked living with them, using the catflap that was for Timmy, the other family cat who has since passed away. He gradually spent more and more time hanging around until he was a permanent feature of the Knight family. He now takes permanent residence on any bed in the house, causing stress when anyone wants to sleep!!

Percy is my Kitkat and although he doesn't take the physical being that Kitkat does, he's there and he is the best way to describe my feelings. He's kind of adopted me I guess, but like all pets, he wants to be leader of the pack; but like all good owners, I have to assert my authority and ensure that Percy knows his place and that place is not as a leader. I have to find ways and tricks to train Percy to ensure that he is kept in check, knows his manners and doesn't turn my life into chaos. 

Percy is a Scottie dog, black in colour, but small and although likely to get under my feet, not big enough to dominate me. He's fiesty, but gradually, he's coming under control. Talking to people in similar situations and my Mental Health worker are helping wear Percy down and bring him under control. 

I can't pretend Percy is a puppy, he's been around for a while and must be a fully grown adult by now. The past year or so it's definitely felt like Percy's been at full strength, but I'm finally working out how to look after him and make him do what I want. He is my first black dog, therefore it's taken me a while to get used to it. Should Percy leave me in the future and a while later another black dog come into my life, I feel I will be better able to train my next dog accordingly and a lot quicker than I have worked with Percy. 

Unlike a lot of black dogs, Percy loves company and loves food. This has a positive and negative effect. Unfortunately Percy's sweet tooth and love for food often lead me to eat a lot more than I should, to feel constantly 'emotionally hungry' (as opposed to my body actually requiring food). But, unlike a lot of black dogs at least Percy wants to be fed, and doesn't make me want to not eat. Percy's love of company is unusual, he enjoys having reasons to go to social occasions and spend time with other people. This is a good thing, but it can sometimes lead to me feeling ever so lonely when people aren't there to spend time with Percy and I.

Percy is named as such because I am determined that my black dog will be personable. That he won't ever be allowed to get out of control and be a threat to myself or other people around me. Percy has his moments, like any dog, but they can only be allowed to go so far, sheer gut and determination will always prevail to make sure that he doesn't overstep the final line. 

I am learning to love Percy and I do feel like Percy has a love and respect for me and the more I learn to love him the more he'll love and respect me back. This in turn will allow me to start to love myself again, to realise that I'm not a bad person, that I'm not the failure I at times let myself think that I am.

I also have to learn that I can only do this by ensuring that I don't hide Percy away; that will only make him angry and when he fights his way out, he'll come out stroppy and unsociable. Instead, he needs to be allowed to walk with me, but under good obedience, to allow him to be happy and make me happy. 

To those who don't really understand, this is going to sound very silly, a girl who thinks she has an imaginary pet dog called Percy.  It almost makes me sound like a child, but you know what? I think the children have got it right. Some of the happiest children are the ones with the biggest imaginations, those who can dream up a whole world of imaginary friends that look out for them, can sometimes upset them or disappear for a while, but who are there for companionship. Regardless of how silly it sounds, how much of a negative or positive impact Percy is having at any one time, he is my constant companion.

Percy.

P.S. Three advantages to have a black dog instead of a real dog:
- They don't cost you a fortune in food and vets bills. 
- They don't need to be physically walked daily.
- You don't have to clean up after them.
Positive thinking, and all that!

Honesty is the Best Policy: An explanation of my health.

I haven't felt the need to post on here for a long time, but last night I decided that writing on here might make me feel better. This post isn't 'attention seeking' or 'trying to prove a point', but I could understand why you may think that is what I'm trying to do, it's not. It's an outlet for my thoughts and how I'm dealing with my various health conditions. I also don't want people to think I'm not grateful. I am, I have a lovely family, boyfriend and friends, have got into University and am on the way to hopefully a good adult life. It probably frustrates me more than anyone to not understand why I have all these blessings in life, but cannot seem to be positive about things any more. 

As we already know, I had my heart surgery at the end of July and it was a complete success, but that isn't the only condition that I have. The other conditions are now starting to become more of a problem than my heart ever was and so I'm using my blog as an outlet, the reason I started my blog in the first place. It doesn't really matter if it's read, I've managed to get my thoughts in order and write them down in some way though.

I have been told to expect symptoms of depression for up to a year after my surgery, due to the trauma that the body is put through in such major surgery. I also have been diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, this has many symptoms, a lot of which are niggly things such as dry skin, dry and brittle hair. But also more severe symptoms such as fatigue and depression. Also, I finally decided to conquer what I thought had been an issue for a while now and in September I went to my doctor and now have an official diagnosis of moderate depression and moderate-severe anxiety. 

So, depression from 3 different reasons, I can't even pretend that it's easy. I do try and hide it, I don't want it to completely define my whole being, but I also have to accept it's part of who I am. I'm not ashamed of having the condition, I just don't want it to be the only thing people think about when they're with me. 

I am on medication and am currently getting mental health support through my University, so I am going through formal treatment, but that takes time and isn't a quick fix. I also have to try and work out how to manage it in a way that suits me and doesn't let it take over. Easier said than done. 

It's very hard to describe how it makes me feel, but 'powerless' and a 'battle' are good words, if not exactly right. The battle is mainly due to different parts of my conscience fighting with each other over the endless cycle of not having the drive to do anything (people who know me well know I used to be extremely determined and stubborn) but then feeling guilty that I haven't done anything. Part of me struggles to even get out bed in the morning, whilst the other part of me 'tells me off' as such for being so lazy and unproductive, it's a vicious cycle that I can't work out how to break. 

It's the same with actually facing up and getting stuff done, one of the hardest things is Uni work. It takes a lot of effort to even open a book, or start a piece of work because all I really want to do is run away from it (and probably cry, my eyes leak fairly regularly). When I do find the drive to do the work, I'm not finding the work extremely challenging, it's not easy, but it's doable and I'm coming out with pleasing results. It's so frustrating not being able to work out why I want to run away from it, when I don't actually find it too hard to do. I am getting help for this from my University, for which I am grateful, and their help is helping, but my mind is still in turmoil. 

I feel very vulnerable, I find myself saying 'sorry' a lot, even if I haven't done anything wrong. I seem to think that there is fault in all I do and I'm very conscious of making mistakes, upsetting people and the like. I feel I have to explain all my actions to ensure that people know I'm not trying to do anything to upset or annoy them and that I am trying to do the right thing. It's bordering on paranoia but again, I haven't yet worked out how to make it stop. 

I feel frustrated, that I can't understand why I'm like this, that I can't work out how to go back to the determined person I was, with a good work ethic and dreams for the future. 

I feel lost, that I don't know where I'm going in life any more; that I'm not sure I want to do what I'm training in (I do, when I'm doing it, I love my work, but the frustration and uncertainty about what will happen after Uni causes self doubt). I don't know what the future holds as I know that the 'Uni' part of my life is about to come to the end and this scares me, it probably scares everyone, I know, but I don't feel mentally well enough to deal with it. 

I feel like everyone else is making a smooth transition into adult life, friends of mine are now teachers, going into graduate jobs in scientific research, qualifying as nurses etc and I feel like a little girl all over again. I'm looking up to these people with awe and admiring them, but not thinking that I'll ever be able to do that too. I see people getting on with day to day tasks with no issue, whereas I struggle to even do simple things. 

I just feel like I really need to screw my head on, and stop being silly, but I can't work out how to do that. I am a big advocate of better understanding of mental health. I would hate people to belittle my condition or tell me that 'I'm just being silly', but that's all I can ever tell myself. I'm my own worst enemy. 

Finally, I just feel like I want to hide away and busybody around doing the things I enjoy and not having to worry about the practical stuff of money, jobs, getting a house and everything else that I have to sort out in this coming year. If I could get a little country cottage and spend my days doing nothing but baking, sewing, reading etc and my weekends doing my favourite hobbies of horse riding and battle re-enactment, I'd be a far happier girly. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that. 

It's taken a good while to write this post, with edits here and there any my eyes leaking in the process, but I do feel better for having done it. I feel like I've been able to order things in my mind and it has, somehow given me a better understanding of things, if only a very little amount. 

I just want to thank anyone who's got to the end of this for taking time out of their day to care. Knowing that does help, it does make me feel a little bit warm and fuzzy inside and maybe I need to feel a little warmer and fuzzier. I hope that if you are someone who is a good friend of mine, that I haven't opened up to completely about this, you can understand the changes in me that have happened over the past few years. I don't mean to have distanced myself from any of my friends and family, but quite frankly, at the moment I'm finding myself distancing myself from the world. 

This video sums up life with depression: