We're going through Changes.

It's been a busy couple of months since I last posted on here. I've actually had to go back and read my last post to see what has/ hasn't happened since posting it! Turns out the last post was about Lent. That went really well, for the first 3 weeks. My diet and healthy lifestyle have now descended into chaos as I go back and forth between home, Uni, Loughborough and muddy fields in various parts of the country. We'll try and sort that back out when life has settled down a bit. 

It's a very busy time at the moment and lots of things are changing or are due to change very soon. So, what's been happening over the past couple of months? 

Well, firstly, I'm now the ripe old age of 22. [Insert Taylor Swift song here]. I have been on a surprise holiday during which something very exciting happened, more about that later. I only have 1 exam left before Uni is officially over.  I went to see McBusted (oh yes, and cracking it was too!) The muster season is now in full swing and much fun has been had in muddy fields. I still have absolutely no idea what I'm doing once I leave Uni. 

So, the mystery holiday... well. I knew I was going away, I knew the dates, the fact it involved a 3.5 hour flight and that I had to take Euros, I also knew that the average temperature was going to be around 20 degrees, apart from that I was clueless. So, I packed my suitcase and drove myself and Aidan down to our hotel near Heathrow on a cold Tuesday in Mid April, we started the break in a lovely way by going to see our friend and her little boy. We met up with them at Osterley House and had a walk around the park and then went back to their flat in Ealing for a couple of hours. Joshie had grown huge amounts since we last saw him and it was wonderful to spend some quality time with the little monster and his Mummy. 

Then, at a very early time on the Wednesday morning we took the hopper bus to their airport and arrived at Terminal 5 and I STILL didn't know where we were going. At this point, I closed my eyes and held out my hands as instructed and Aidan placed the guidebooks and phrasebook in my hands. The destination? Athens! Brilliant! Always, ALWAYS wanted to go there. The history geek inside me was doing metaphorical back flips. 

I won't bore you with the details, but we had the most amazing time and it was such a wonderful 5 days. We did all the touristy things and fell in love with a gorgeous little restaurant not far from our hotel. So much so that we ate there 4 out of the 5 nights we stayed in Athens. Overall a fabby trip, but one particular aspect did make it special. I went away with my boyfriend, but I have come back with my Fiancé! It was very romantic and the proposal was done on the second day of the holiday, as we were sitting on the Aeropagus rock, looking across to the Acropolis. Wonderful. I am very happy and a wedding date has been set for 14th May 2016 and plans are already going ahead. I truly couldn't be happier. 

It was also very, very lovely to spend my birthday out in Greece with nice weather, lovely scenery and good food and wine. Athens is definitely a wonderful and interesting city that I would like to go back to visit again with more time and more money. 

So, Uni is almost over. That's a bit scary. I have one exam next week and then the main lot is all done and dusted. Due to hospital appointments, I haven't strictly finished then as one of my exams is being re-arranged for August, but it will still feel like it's all over (I kind of hope) and will be rather exciting. What happens next? Your guess is as good as mine! 

I actually have a job interview for somewhere (not jinxing it on here, will tell you if I get it) at the end of June and if I get that I would start early July, so it's quite nice to know that I have a couple of weeks to enjoy a break before moving on to pastures new, as such. Should I get said job, I would be staying back in Burton for the Summer until the contract ends in November time. Aidan doesn't really know what he's doing yet either, he's still waiting to hear back from a couple of Grad Schemes and job applications so we will hopefully have a better idea soon. 

It's a bit of a strange feeling, in this limbo between Uni and real life, but we'll get there, wherever 'there' is. Luckily, I have plenty of battle re-enactment stuff to keep me busy in the mean time. 

Since last posting on here we have had plenty of fun at the battle re-enactment. At the end of March, our regiment took part in a sponsored March from Basing House to the Battle of Cheriton battlefield, we had a lovely time marching through the Hampshire countryside in full kit and I very much enjoyed being part of the support team. All in all we managed to raise over £5000 that will be going towards the Battle of Cheriton Project, who would like to raise enough funds to conduct and archaeological dig on the battlefield. 

As well as that, we went back to Hampshire for the Easter weekend and back to Basing House for our annual event there. Luckily this year we didn't have quite such dire conditions as Basingrad 2013, where temperatures plummeted to -8. I wish I was kidding. It was rather soggy this year though, but it was a Bank Holiday Weekend in Britain so no surprise there really. 

It wasn't half as soggy as the weekend just gone though... that really was a mudfest but we had lots of fun all the same. We had a very large event in Leicestershire which promptly turned into a very large muddy field but overall the event was a success and our regiment enjoyed themselves, which is the important bit. Lots more is coming up over the next month or so to keep me nice and busy so that is all groovy. 

Oh yeah, as I said, two of my best friends and I went to see McBusted a couple of weekends ago at the LG Arena. I felt 14 again and don't think I've ever screamed so much in my life but it was a flipping good show and I'm so glad I can say I went to see them. Hooray for neon & pop rock goodness! 

That's about it these past couple of months, hopefully I'll be back again a bit sooner and maybe the weather will have improved too. Let's not get our hopes up for either, ey? 

Toodle-pip. 

Keep up to date in bite size chunks via the Twittersphere: @CowHeartGirl. 

Lent.

Well, we are now a full week into lent and so far I'm doing well. 

I haven't eaten chocolate, sweets, biscuits, cake or ice cream at all. I even shunned a hot chocolate at the weekend because I felt that was too much like what I was trying to give up. I have also been very good at not snacking, which I was hoping to cut out as well. 

Last night was the first night that I really felt like I missed all the things I had given up, but I was good and went and got myself one of my vanilla yoghurts to munch on and after that I felt ok again and satisfied. I am determined to do this, not to give up and only allow myself a small amount of tasty treats on my birthday and the day I'm hosting a dinner party to celebrate my birthday. I feel that it would be taking things a bit too far if I shunned all the goodies when celebrating my birthday! 

My overall lifestyle changes seem to be going well too. I'm making sure I'm hydrated and feeling better for it and my adjusted sleeping pattern is working well.

I'm still getting up between 6am and 6:30am and am usually up, ready, dressed etc before 7am. I'm opening the curtains early and trying not to put on too many artificial lights, so that the gradual increase of light helps me become more alert naturally. I'm also making sure that I go to bed between 10pm and 10:30pm each night, to allow me to get a good, full nights sleep and this change seems to be helping too. 

I have also been eating 3 proper meals at approximately the same times each day, which is why I think I'm managing on the 'not snacking' thing. I'm finally getting into a proper eating pattern and not just grazing my way through the day until dinner time!

I am loving the changes to the weather these past few days!! It's so nice to go on my morning walks in the good weather. And it's so much nicer pottering about during the day too! Spent Saturday afternoon back down at Ironbridge with friends from Uni, thoroughly enjoying the Sunshine. I then went to Bidgnorth on Sunday for a family meal. I was able to do a lot of driving through the gorgeous Shropshire and Worcestershire countryside to go and pick one of my Grandma's up. We met my parents and my other Grandma in Bridgnorth and also our friend Cat (who was our token Celt for the day, being Scottish). 

We had booked to have Sunday lunch at the favourite pub of Cat and I and it was, as always, wonderful. I had my trusty favourite, Steak and Stilton pie with the biggest serving of mash potato you have ever seen. Thank you to Bryn and co at The Old Castle, in Bridgnorth. If you're ever in Bridgnorth, it's a must, you won't be disappointed! We then stayed there to watch the rugby. 5 of us were resolutely supporting England, but our token Celt who is a Scot, but also has Welsh in her family kept changing sides! On principle she was supporting Wales, but when they looked like they were playing really badly she suddenly decided she was English...

I have been cracking on with my dissertation work during the week, hoping to get a big chunk of it done over the next couple of weeks, before we break up for the Easter Holidays at the end of the month. 

I'm then having a lovely weekend at home this coming weekend. I'll go home Friday afternoon and then will have our Friday early evening riding lesson that we seem to be having every 3 weeks. Last time, it was a rather eventful one due to the horses being absolutely convinced there were pony-eating monsters in the hedge that surrounds the school. This provided much hilarity and unfortunately, Sammi's first 'involuntary dismount'. She got straight back on though and Mummy Bason and I were very proud of how well she rode afterwards, joining in with the rest of the lesson. Hopefully this week will be less eventful but as with all our lessons, something (usually Sammi's fault) ends up happening to provide mishaps and mischief and generally leave us all in fits of giggles. Our poor instructor Chloe must either dread us coming, or look forward to it a lot because she knows something silly will happen! 

The Saturday will be spent at The Original Re-enactor's Market (TORM) which takes place at a Sports hall complex somewhere on the outskirts of Coventry twice a year. I'm looking forward to picking up the new hat I have on order, but unfortunately I don't have any more pennies to treat myself to anything else, but it will be good to enjoy a day of 'window shopping' (with no windows...) with Sammi and Mummy Bason (and Simon!) and no doubt bumping into lots of other re-enactor friends whilst we're there.

I am hoping for lovely weather on Sunday as after church, I'm hoping to have a chance to do two things. Firstly, I'm actually going to wash my car! Anyone who knows me well knows that my old car, Corrie, was half blue half mud in colour and very rarely got treated to a bath. But since Benny was almost brand new, I promised my parents that I would keep him clean, inside and out. The inside is still pretty spotless, but the adverse weather and village life this winter, has left him rather dirty on the outside, so now the weather seems to have dried up, it would be nice to try and rectify that! 

I also want to go for a walk somewhere, I have really enjoyed walking every day, in a bid to do a bit of exercise each day and it would be nice to take a late afternoon walk on Sunday and enjoy the predicted sunshine. 

Hopefully all plans will fall into place, we will have a good weekend and my dissertation will come on nicely. I'll keep you posted! 

Good Morning World

Good Morning world, how wonderful it is to see you. I'm up, breakfasted and raring to go for the day and it's only 7:23am. 

I have been doing parts of my new healthier lifestyle (such as proper meals and better hydration) for about a week and a half now, but yesterday was the first day of lent, and I'm happy to say that Day 1 is complete. I had my 3 meals of the day and nothing else. And none of my meals contained chocolate, sweets, cake, biscuits or ice cream. Happy Days. 

1 down only another 43 to go! (39 days of lent + 6 Sundays as I'm including those -2 for my Birthday and my Birthday Dinner party, which are on different days). Believe it or not, I've not even felt hungry in between. I'm really trying to make sure that I don't feel like I need to eat so much, and so much of the time. It's fabulous!

I've also been doing a bit of research (nothing too strenuous!) into sleep and sleeping patterns. I've been looking into how light affects sleeping as for over 90% of the time that humans have inhabited the planet, we haven't had electric light. Naturally this has caused evolution to work with the light patterns of the natural light and the seasons etc, to allow us to be adapted to the most suitable conditions. 

The gist of it is, darkness makes us tired (and scared, but that's a whole other story) and light makes us wake up. We are diurnal, meaning we function during the day. So the main points I have taken from it is going to bed earlier (you sleep better earlier in the night, pre-midnight basically) so I'm now turning my lights out at 10:30pm or sometimes earlier and then waking up earlier. By waking up earlier, you allow your body to wake up with the increase in natural light. Therefore I've been waking up between 6 and 6:30am each day. 

One of the first things I've then done is open one curtain, to let natural light in and so that my body can use the natural effects of a gradual increase in light to become more awake. I didn't know if it would work, but it was from a credible source and also, my current knowledge of biology, adaptive behaviour and ecology meant that it all did make sense and the theory behind it was very easy to understand and agree with.

It is working! As it gets lighter each morning and more and more light comes into my room, I am feeling more alert. Coupled with getting up and getting the blood flowing round the body at a faster rate, I am feeling better for getting up earlier and actually getting up within a maximum of 20 minutes after my alarm has gone off. Lazing around in bed for ages after the alarm is lovely as a one off, but really wasn't making me feel up and ready to face the day. 

I'm really glad that I'm implementing these changes and sticking to them, it makes a nice change and I really am feeling a lot better for it. I'm also (and this isn't just because of the changes, but they have helped) feeling a lot happier recently. I've felt a definite change over the past couple of weeks or so, that has made me realise that overall, my mood is a lot lighter.

I feel happy, and genuinely happy, a lot more of the time and I don't worry about the little, irrelevant things in life so much. I think a tablet increase has been the main reason for this, but I don't mind that this is the reason. If the tablets are going to help me to be better, then I'm not going to reject them. 

Percy, my black dog (depression analogy, for those who haven't read previous posts) seems to have been behaving more recently. He's more obedient and knows that I'm the boss. He's still there though, as a companion and he won't ever leave me fully, but as long as he doesn't control me, I like his company. 

Overall, with spring arriving, I do feel like a bit of a 'new person' a Beth 2.0 (beta) if you will. 'New and improved' and feeling a lot happier about the world around me. 

Healthy Lifestyle

This week is the one containing Pancake day and therefore Ash Wednesday. This is the time of year that I tend to start my 'get healthy' part of the year.Each year I try and use Lent as a good way to try and enact some lifestyle changes. Each year I cut out chocolate, sweets, biscuits, ice cream and cake for the duration of lent, in a kind of detox. 

Last year I did pretty well, I stuck it out the whole duration and I did noticeably lose weight. The lovely ladies at work all commented on my slimmer physique towards the end of it and I was happier and felt more confident to wear outfits in the spring and summer that revealed parts that I don't usually show off.  For a while, I did manage to keep the weight off too.

Unfortunately though, a lot has changed since then. I left my placement job, which went from me being on my feet most days to being back at home not doing a great deal and then back in the classroom for the final year of Uni. I stopped riding as much, I haven't ridden as much the past couple of years as I used to overall, but due to my operation, I didn't ride at all for about 6 months. 

My operation did limit how much I was able to do for a while and I was less active than usual. Also, I went back to Uni for final year. Cue the onset of depression and anxiety and my 'go to' option for happiness: comfort eating. 

Overall, by the time lent has come round again I'm right back to the weight that I started at. To give you a rough idea without having to be totally transparent, I'm approx a size 14-16 in clothes on the top half and 12 on the bottom. Although this is perfectly fine, in regards to my height, it is not healthy for someone this short to be carrying quite as many pounds as I am. I'm not a huge believer in BMI as it's doesn't take in muscle etc and according to that I should weigh just over 8 stone and it's unlikely I ever will. I do however, still need to make an effort to slim down.

The past few weeks I've actually felt 'bigger' as well. It doesn't really play on my mind a huge amount, but when I was putting on clothes and they were getting a bit tight, it was a bit of a temporary mood killer. Also, I've noticed my face and neck getting a little bigger too, which is something that I have ongoing confidence issues with. 

So, hopefully I can stick to my Lent detox and by cutting out the above items from my diet, which also stops me snacking. I will see the weight going down a bit.

It's not just about a change in diet though, it's about a whole lifestyle change and this is something I want to work on too. 

The first area is diet related, but it's not what I'm eating, it's when. As a student, you often find that mealtimes are not regular and often meals are skipped. I am part of this, it can't be denied (it's one of the reasons I snack so much) so I'm making a conscious effort to change that. I've been doing so this past week and it's been going well. I'm back to 3 proper meals a day (I have always been eating a proper cooked meal in the evening, as my housemates and I take turns to cook for each other) and each meal is accompanied with a glass of juice. 

I don't like fruit (don't ask, yes I've tried lots of different types, yes I've tried them all many times during my life as tastebuds change, no for one reason or another I still haven't found any that I like) which is a big issue. It's not the best option, but it's better than nothing so my 3 glasses of juice are being used as a substitute for 3 of my '5-a-day'. The other two I get from at least my main evening meal and sometimes my lunch, as I am a big fan of vegetables.

The juice also is helping me to combat another area that I know is a weakness. Hydration. I have never, ever been good at keeping myself properly hydrated. Much as my parents tried to make sure I was as a child and teen, I just rarely felt thirsty. I have no idea why. 

So, I've decided to make a real effort with this too. I've treated myself to a snazzy new water bottle. 

It is 0.35ltrs, meaning that 5 of those a day, plus my 3 glasses of juice takes me up to the 2ltrs a day of fluids that you're meant to drink. Hopefully I'll be able to stick to this. Today I had two this morning, two this afternoon and have just had a final one after dinner. I think that should work in the long run.

It's also important to help my immune system. Due to my thyroid and my heart, my immune system is weaker than average, so an increase in fluids is a good way to try and flush toxins etc through the body and reduce their negative impact. 

Finally, I need to start exercising more. Now I'm not riding regularly, I cannot rely on it as my only exercise. I need to make an effort to go for a short walk or something at least a couple of times a week. Now that my Uni timetable is down to 8 hours a week for the last few months and the weather is hopefully improving, I don't really have an excuse. 

So, we'll see how these changes work and if I end up sticking to them or finding other methods that work better and see if I will have slimmed down much between now and Easter (due to my birthday being during lent, chocolate, cake etc will be eaten that day!!). Also, in case anyone tries to catch me out. I don't find it's the end of the world if I allow the occasional treat between now and then. I'm doing this to get healthy, not as some kind of test of stamina! 

Back on Track, whatever that means.

Now that my changes to my blogging are done, I feel it's time to write a new post and keep people in the loop about what's going on. 

I finally feel like small positive changes are starting to take place. I feel like I have aspirations and goals again and these came to me from places I I never dreamed of. 

I still very much enjoy working with children and feel that environmental education is of the utmost importance to children from all walks of life, but maybe that's not what I'm meant to be doing after all. I love teaching, but education encompasses so much more than that and I now have something else to focus on. I've realised that I don't think I will enjoy all the peripheral workings of the education sector, that come alongside the teaching. I just tried to tell myself that I'd learn to deal with them, when I felt like I didn't have any other options. I also feel like the education sector wouldn't necessarily run alongside the family life that I know I would like in the future, yes I could 'make it work', but family life will be of utmost importance to me. I want to know that I can go home at the end of the day and not have to have work on my mind 24/7. I'd like to be able to go home and enjoy time in the future with my children and not have spent a whole day feeling like I'm hearding cats beforehand, which is what working with children can sometimes feel like! 

Also, I always said that my Daddy should have been a history teacher, because he's taught me so much over the years, but he didn't teach me as such, he shared his knowledge and I do feel there's a difference. I want to be able to share my knowledge of the things I enjoy with my children, without the possibility of coming across just like any other teacher. I always enjoyed learning and discovering with my Daddy, and I don't want to risk losing the ability to do this with my own children. I'm not shutting the door completely on environmental education, but I no longer think it's going to be my main career focus.

Thanks to one of the assignments I've had to do this year, I've found a new focus. Something that I enjoy and enjoy the possibilities of progressing in. I had no aspiration to move up the career ladder previously- moving up in that sector decreased the amount of face to face teaching you were able to do, and took on more of a management role. I am not keen as much on the management side and want to be able to move up the career ladder to do more of what I love, not less of it. I have spent the past few years convincing myself that I don't really have a career drive, because I knew the bits of that sector that I wanted to be involved with, but deep down I know that I always do have a part of me that's striving for more success and to better myself. Eventually I would have had to fulfill that. 

My new career aspirations are rather different, it has to be said. I'm hoping to swap teaching kids pond dipping for cameras, technology and hours of editing. I've decided to move into the world of television. This isn't as hugely irrelevant to someone about to graduate in Countryside Management as it may first appear. I want to focus on factual programmes in areas I have knowledge in and enjoy. Natural history, nature, rural affairs, British history, heritage, landscape, those kinds of things. I know I have to start at the bottom and not necessarily in those fields. I will have to start as a runner, which I have deduced is TV code for 'General Dogsbody' but I then hope to move up (yep, the very things I've spent 2-3 years telling myself I didn't want) into research and production. Hopefully moving into pitching and creating new programmes. Eventually, I think I'd like to go into presenting. 

And this is where my Uni project comes in. I have spend the past 5 months working on a video project with two of my closest friends. My role in the team was 'Creative Director' which involved taking on the role of presenting and now, I seem to have stumbled upon something I'm good at. I have had wholly positive feedback on my presenting abilities from almost everyone who has seen the video. Also, the constructive criticism is only making me want to try and find new opportunities, to give me the chance to improve, instead of upsetting me like it usually does. Maybe this is just me growing as a person, but I finally feel like I've found something I'm good at and this time when people say it I actually believe them. 

The more we filmed the project, the more I enjoyed being in front of the camera. I started to feel more comfortable about it and more natural in what I was doing and importantly, it made me happy. My depression and anxiety has slowly been eating away at my happiness and I don't want this to be something of a sob story, but it's nice to be finding happiness in career-related areas again. More importantly, I had insight into the wider aspect of what was involved in the making of the video, not just my own role and this made me realise that I was enjoying these aspects too, the peripherals in this sector were just as interesting as my main focus. 

I know it's not going to be a smooth ride, I have to start at the bottom, use my creativity to my advantage in research and production. Believing that I am a creative person will be a good start. Turns out creativity isn't limited to being good at drawing/ acting/writing stories, my creativity is through researching and pitching ideas for television; or maybe even non-fiction writing, since that's another area I get lots of praise for. I need to trust in this creativity and see where it takes me. 

I don't regret not doing GCSEs/A-Levels/ a degree in something more related to where I want to go. I will still need the science/ geography knowledge I have previously focussed on to get into the area of programming I am most interested in. In fact, I think previous media studies would have killed the passion I now have for it, before I got to the place in life where I have the opportunity to start properly in that world. I have also thoroughly enjoyed all my science/ geography related studying so far and enjoying what you are learning is very important.

I know I have to remain sensible over the next few months. It's critical that I finish my degree to the best of my ability for a start. Then I will have to find some form of employment to sustain myself and it won't necessarily be straight into the television world, but I also know that I have to throw caution to the wind and put myself out there a little more if I want to make it in that business. I have to believe that although it may sometimes seem impossible, eventually everything will work out in the end, the way it was meant to be all along. Whatever that may be. 

Changes

This is just a quick post, summing up a few changes that I am aiming to make to my blogging. For a while now, I have had two blogs, trying to keep my 'normal' life and my health separate. I have come to the decision that this isn't necessarily a good thing and that I need to embrace the fact that my health is part of who I am.

Therefore, my 'Life and Times of a Countryside Student' will be left to the archives and all blogging will continue on my 'Cow Heart Girl' blog. Since I am shortly going to graduate and will no longer be a student and since I feel that I have to move to one blog for everything, I feel that it is a natural transition to move to 'Cow Heart Girl' and expand the nature of that blog. 

I will still blog about health, partly as a way to keep friends and family informed of what is going on, partially to be honest and open about my experiences, so that they are able to provide comfort to those going through a similar situation and partly and most importantly, because it is a part of who I am. 

I am not going to limit this blog to health anymore though, it will become the outlet for all of my writing and experiences, regardless of the nature.

I am happy with the current design of the blog, and aim to keep it this way for the forseeable future. After all, that cow part is a keeping me alive, I have to honour it somehow.

I am not going to promise to be a lot better at keeping this blog up to date, as it is a promise I have broken too many times before. I am going to say though, that I hope the creativity, inspiration and drive to write comes to me more frequently and that the amalgamation of the blogs will allow me to write more often. 

I do have another 'proper' post to do now, that I will publish shortly.

Thank you to every single one of the lovely people that take time out of their day to read the ramblings of this cow heart girl!

#100HappyDays

Today has been an ok day. I've been stressed about Uni work, but I've also felt like I'm getting somewhere as I get things organised and completed. 

I went back to the doctors today to continue my treatment for various things. It is almost certain that I have a 4th condition to add to the list. I have been pretty much diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I have suspected this for a while and started getting it looked into when I was in Kent last year. I had tests done discounting other things such as being coeliac etc. Although these test have already been done, they were done in April and went on a hiatus whilst I was having and recovering from surgery. After being ill over Christmas, I decided it was time to dig out the letter from my old GP, detailing all the tests that had so far been carried out and pass them to my new GP to take the next steps.

She is going to redo the tests as they are a bit out of date now, and dependant on the results of the blood test, she is more than likely going to take the next step and refer me to a specialist. She discussed symptoms with me and it looks almost certain that it is IBS. Unfortunately, IBS is one of those that you have to diagnose by eliminating everything else first! 

I'm not too worried, I already have to [attempt to, doesn't mean I do it!] make sure I don't eat too much fat as I have previously been diagnosed with having gallstones that at the moment don't cause me any problems, but a reduced fat diet is helpful for those. It will be a case of increasing the right types of fibre through cereals, seeds and vegetables and trying to avoid sugary, fatty foods. Overall, it's not the end of the world and a change in diet will probably help me become healthier and maybe even shift a few pounds. 

Whilst I was there, I brought her up to date (she saw me a lot last term and I always make sure I see the same GP, as there's quite a few things going on!) on how I'd been feeling over Christmas. I told her before going home for the holidays that I was worried due to family circumstances (maybe we'll discuss this another time, we'll see) and so she asked me how I was. The holidays went better than I thought they were perhaps going to, but I did tell her that I was still feeling pretty low and that my anxiousness about various things was increasing and the range of things that triggered my anxiety was also broadening. 

She has decided to increase the medication I am on, by increasing it from 1 tablet a day to 2. We'll see how that goes for a while but I really hope it helps. 

I also know it's important to try and change (as best as possible, it's really not easy) your mindset, so when I came across the #100HappyDays hashtag on Facebook, I decided to look into it. 

100happydays.com is a photo challenge that you can either do privately through an email system (not sure how that bit works) or publicly through your Facebook, Twitter or Instagram account (when I say publicly, it's only as public as your account settings allow, nothing more than that). It involves taking a photo of something that has made you, at least a little bit, happy every day for 100 days and then sharing it in some way.

According to the website 71% of people don't complete the challenge, purely because they are too busy. The ethos of the challenge is to make time in the busy lifestyle of today's world for happiness. It's a very special idea, I feel. I have started this on my Facebook and I am determined to complete it as a tool to help myself focus on something happy/ positive for at least a few minutes each and every day. 

Today is Tuesday 14th of January, my 100th Happiest Day will be Thursday 24th of April. I am not going to look through the Facebook album at all between now and then, just upload a photo each and every day. I don't usually have my Facebook albums set to 'Public' but for the purposes of this, so that it can be linked with my blog, I am going to change the setting for this album, meaning that you can view it if you click here.

Hopefully this will help me in my mission to overcome my Mental Health problems and will be fun at the same time. On April 24th I'm going to look back at all the photos and see how far I have come in those 100 days. If it's a success, we'll move on to #200HappyDays and believe me, I really hope it is a success.

I have a Black Dog, and I renamed him Percy.

'Cow Heart Girl' is still me. I still have been through my surgery, now have my cow's valve and will have to deal with my heart condition throughout my life. But now that surgery is done and I don't have another appointment until April 9th 2015 (I wish I was kidding, but yes, I had to book an appointment THAT far in advance), my heart condition isn't at the forefront of my life. Therefore, as all things do overtime, Cow Heart Girl is going to evolve slightly. The name and design will stay the same, I like it, but it's going to become a bit more of a general health blog.  This also allows me to post more frequently, as there's only so much you can say about waiting for an appointment that's not for another 15 months. 

My blog is going to focus on the other conditions I have too, they are just as much a part of me as my heart condition is, I feel they shouldn't be ignored. My conditions are not things that are life threatening or leave me in hospital for weeks at a time, but they are part of who I am and they have an effect on my life in both negative and positive ways and writing my blog helps me feel a lot better, even if it sometimes seems I am writing about very trivial issues. 

Today I am going to write about Percy. Percy is my black dog and as the 'I had a black dog, his name was depression' video shows, Percy is an important part of my life. He reminds me a little of Kitkat, my boyfriend's family's cat. They weren't his original owners (we have since found they moved away, we aren't cat stealers!) but Kitkat decided he liked living with them, using the catflap that was for Timmy, the other family cat who has since passed away. He gradually spent more and more time hanging around until he was a permanent feature of the Knight family. He now takes permanent residence on any bed in the house, causing stress when anyone wants to sleep!!

Percy is my Kitkat and although he doesn't take the physical being that Kitkat does, he's there and he is the best way to describe my feelings. He's kind of adopted me I guess, but like all pets, he wants to be leader of the pack; but like all good owners, I have to assert my authority and ensure that Percy knows his place and that place is not as a leader. I have to find ways and tricks to train Percy to ensure that he is kept in check, knows his manners and doesn't turn my life into chaos. 

Percy is a Scottie dog, black in colour, but small and although likely to get under my feet, not big enough to dominate me. He's fiesty, but gradually, he's coming under control. Talking to people in similar situations and my Mental Health worker are helping wear Percy down and bring him under control. 

I can't pretend Percy is a puppy, he's been around for a while and must be a fully grown adult by now. The past year or so it's definitely felt like Percy's been at full strength, but I'm finally working out how to look after him and make him do what I want. He is my first black dog, therefore it's taken me a while to get used to it. Should Percy leave me in the future and a while later another black dog come into my life, I feel I will be better able to train my next dog accordingly and a lot quicker than I have worked with Percy. 

Unlike a lot of black dogs, Percy loves company and loves food. This has a positive and negative effect. Unfortunately Percy's sweet tooth and love for food often lead me to eat a lot more than I should, to feel constantly 'emotionally hungry' (as opposed to my body actually requiring food). But, unlike a lot of black dogs at least Percy wants to be fed, and doesn't make me want to not eat. Percy's love of company is unusual, he enjoys having reasons to go to social occasions and spend time with other people. This is a good thing, but it can sometimes lead to me feeling ever so lonely when people aren't there to spend time with Percy and I.

Percy is named as such because I am determined that my black dog will be personable. That he won't ever be allowed to get out of control and be a threat to myself or other people around me. Percy has his moments, like any dog, but they can only be allowed to go so far, sheer gut and determination will always prevail to make sure that he doesn't overstep the final line. 

I am learning to love Percy and I do feel like Percy has a love and respect for me and the more I learn to love him the more he'll love and respect me back. This in turn will allow me to start to love myself again, to realise that I'm not a bad person, that I'm not the failure I at times let myself think that I am.

I also have to learn that I can only do this by ensuring that I don't hide Percy away; that will only make him angry and when he fights his way out, he'll come out stroppy and unsociable. Instead, he needs to be allowed to walk with me, but under good obedience, to allow him to be happy and make me happy. 

To those who don't really understand, this is going to sound very silly, a girl who thinks she has an imaginary pet dog called Percy.  It almost makes me sound like a child, but you know what? I think the children have got it right. Some of the happiest children are the ones with the biggest imaginations, those who can dream up a whole world of imaginary friends that look out for them, can sometimes upset them or disappear for a while, but who are there for companionship. Regardless of how silly it sounds, how much of a negative or positive impact Percy is having at any one time, he is my constant companion.

Percy.

P.S. Three advantages to have a black dog instead of a real dog:
- They don't cost you a fortune in food and vets bills. 
- They don't need to be physically walked daily.
- You don't have to clean up after them.
Positive thinking, and all that!

Honesty is the Best Policy: An explanation of my health.

I haven't felt the need to post on here for a long time, but last night I decided that writing on here might make me feel better. This post isn't 'attention seeking' or 'trying to prove a point', but I could understand why you may think that is what I'm trying to do, it's not. It's an outlet for my thoughts and how I'm dealing with my various health conditions. I also don't want people to think I'm not grateful. I am, I have a lovely family, boyfriend and friends, have got into University and am on the way to hopefully a good adult life. It probably frustrates me more than anyone to not understand why I have all these blessings in life, but cannot seem to be positive about things any more. 

As we already know, I had my heart surgery at the end of July and it was a complete success, but that isn't the only condition that I have. The other conditions are now starting to become more of a problem than my heart ever was and so I'm using my blog as an outlet, the reason I started my blog in the first place. It doesn't really matter if it's read, I've managed to get my thoughts in order and write them down in some way though.

I have been told to expect symptoms of depression for up to a year after my surgery, due to the trauma that the body is put through in such major surgery. I also have been diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, this has many symptoms, a lot of which are niggly things such as dry skin, dry and brittle hair. But also more severe symptoms such as fatigue and depression. Also, I finally decided to conquer what I thought had been an issue for a while now and in September I went to my doctor and now have an official diagnosis of moderate depression and moderate-severe anxiety. 

So, depression from 3 different reasons, I can't even pretend that it's easy. I do try and hide it, I don't want it to completely define my whole being, but I also have to accept it's part of who I am. I'm not ashamed of having the condition, I just don't want it to be the only thing people think about when they're with me. 

I am on medication and am currently getting mental health support through my University, so I am going through formal treatment, but that takes time and isn't a quick fix. I also have to try and work out how to manage it in a way that suits me and doesn't let it take over. Easier said than done. 

It's very hard to describe how it makes me feel, but 'powerless' and a 'battle' are good words, if not exactly right. The battle is mainly due to different parts of my conscience fighting with each other over the endless cycle of not having the drive to do anything (people who know me well know I used to be extremely determined and stubborn) but then feeling guilty that I haven't done anything. Part of me struggles to even get out bed in the morning, whilst the other part of me 'tells me off' as such for being so lazy and unproductive, it's a vicious cycle that I can't work out how to break. 

It's the same with actually facing up and getting stuff done, one of the hardest things is Uni work. It takes a lot of effort to even open a book, or start a piece of work because all I really want to do is run away from it (and probably cry, my eyes leak fairly regularly). When I do find the drive to do the work, I'm not finding the work extremely challenging, it's not easy, but it's doable and I'm coming out with pleasing results. It's so frustrating not being able to work out why I want to run away from it, when I don't actually find it too hard to do. I am getting help for this from my University, for which I am grateful, and their help is helping, but my mind is still in turmoil. 

I feel very vulnerable, I find myself saying 'sorry' a lot, even if I haven't done anything wrong. I seem to think that there is fault in all I do and I'm very conscious of making mistakes, upsetting people and the like. I feel I have to explain all my actions to ensure that people know I'm not trying to do anything to upset or annoy them and that I am trying to do the right thing. It's bordering on paranoia but again, I haven't yet worked out how to make it stop. 

I feel frustrated, that I can't understand why I'm like this, that I can't work out how to go back to the determined person I was, with a good work ethic and dreams for the future. 

I feel lost, that I don't know where I'm going in life any more; that I'm not sure I want to do what I'm training in (I do, when I'm doing it, I love my work, but the frustration and uncertainty about what will happen after Uni causes self doubt). I don't know what the future holds as I know that the 'Uni' part of my life is about to come to the end and this scares me, it probably scares everyone, I know, but I don't feel mentally well enough to deal with it. 

I feel like everyone else is making a smooth transition into adult life, friends of mine are now teachers, going into graduate jobs in scientific research, qualifying as nurses etc and I feel like a little girl all over again. I'm looking up to these people with awe and admiring them, but not thinking that I'll ever be able to do that too. I see people getting on with day to day tasks with no issue, whereas I struggle to even do simple things. 

I just feel like I really need to screw my head on, and stop being silly, but I can't work out how to do that. I am a big advocate of better understanding of mental health. I would hate people to belittle my condition or tell me that 'I'm just being silly', but that's all I can ever tell myself. I'm my own worst enemy. 

Finally, I just feel like I want to hide away and busybody around doing the things I enjoy and not having to worry about the practical stuff of money, jobs, getting a house and everything else that I have to sort out in this coming year. If I could get a little country cottage and spend my days doing nothing but baking, sewing, reading etc and my weekends doing my favourite hobbies of horse riding and battle re-enactment, I'd be a far happier girly. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that. 

It's taken a good while to write this post, with edits here and there any my eyes leaking in the process, but I do feel better for having done it. I feel like I've been able to order things in my mind and it has, somehow given me a better understanding of things, if only a very little amount. 

I just want to thank anyone who's got to the end of this for taking time out of their day to care. Knowing that does help, it does make me feel a little bit warm and fuzzy inside and maybe I need to feel a little warmer and fuzzier. I hope that if you are someone who is a good friend of mine, that I haven't opened up to completely about this, you can understand the changes in me that have happened over the past few years. I don't mean to have distanced myself from any of my friends and family, but quite frankly, at the moment I'm finding myself distancing myself from the world. 

This video sums up life with depression: