Day 110: Meltdown.

Having a massive meltdown about how much I'm going to miss out on because of my stupid operation. No matter how many times you tell me 'It's for my health' or 'you'll be so much happier when it's done' it won't replace the loss of my last Summer as a student. Nothing will replace my boyfriend's 21st Birthday which he's now going up to Scotland for because I'm a shit girlfriend who can't even put on a good celebration for that now.

Yes, I'm sounding selfish and self centered but it's me who's got to go through all of this and miss out on so much that I was looking forward to. Being told that I was going to have this operation originally in 2014, and for the Summer of 2012 not quite living up to how I wish it had. I was trying to make a real effort to make the most this coming Summer.

This is the last Summer I have being a Student, where I don't have a full time job for the Summer Break, where I'd be able to join my friends on adventures before we have to leave this lifestyle for that of full time jobs and setting ourselves up for the future. 

I'm no party animal but there were still exciting things coming up. And now all I have is the prospect of a terrifying 10 days stay in hospital (I have panic attacks every time I visit Ward parts of hospitals and even my Mum having an operation on her collarbone yesterday 200 miles from where I am has given me several nightmares) followed by 6 weeks of practical house arrest. I'm not allowed to drive anywhere and have to take it easy with how far I walk. No matter how much my friends offer to take me out and do things which I really really appreciate, I know that it's not going to be the same as what it could have been. Nothing is going to be the same and all because I couldn't be born with a heart that works.

There's a huge online community to make people like me feel special, and it really has helped but part of me still can only ever think of it a hindrance that will come to spoil things once every decade or so. I just wish it wasn't happening. I don't feel special I feel like I'm going to miss out on a big chunk of a part of my life I was really looking forward to.

Battle re-enactment is a really important hobby for me. I was born into it and after a break of several years went back in 2011. Two years later I have found my friends and was really excited to have a good season for it now I have my really good friends there, and also feel a bit more like I know what's going on, now I'm used to it again. I'm going to be able to go to 3 events between now and September and one of those I won't be allowed to take part in or even camp overnight at, because of this stupid operation. We had an excellent event planned for Scotland that fell on the weekend of my boyfriend's 21st birthday, and now I won't be well enough to go up there and won't be able to celebrate his birthday with him unless I insist that he misses out too.

Having to miss out because of my heart is killing me mainly because everyone sees me as someone with absolutely nothing wrong with them unless they know. It's so frustrating and no matter how much I get told that 'I'll feel fantastic afterwards' it's going no way to help make up for what I'm missing out on. There's no way I can get that time back.