Day 125: Scars/ My own worst enemy.

No, this isn't me announcing that I am releasing a new remix of Papa Roach and Stereophonics, this is a blog about two different things! 

Scars:

I have two scars from my previous surgery, one starting high up on my chest and running down to about level with the bottom of my sternum and another on my side, running round onto my back a little. They have never, ever bothered me and I have never been self conscious about what I wear to make sure no one can see them and have always thought of them as something that makes me a little different and shows my history. I don't ever get offended when people ask me about them, if it's the first time they've seen the top of my scar or something. 

This week my lovely parents have come down to visit and my poor Mum has had an operation on her shoulder 18 days ago. I have now seen her partially healed scar and it's completely freaked me out. I have no idea why but seeing it all red and not properly healed has really unnerved me and made me really freak out about what mine's going to be like whilst it's healing. I don't want to see it at all. I just want it to be looking how it looks now as soon as it's been done, which I know won't happen but the thought of having it there as a wound rather than a scar really, really upsets me. I hate the thought of having to clean it whilst it's still healing and the problems that I might have of it bleeding etc. I really really can't deal with it. I'm hoping that there will be someone I can talk to about it, even though there's absolutely nothing they can do because it's all in my head. This leads nicely onto the second part of my blog...

My own worst enemy:

In this whole run up to the surgery I'm being my own worst enemy and there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it. As soon as I start thinking about the operation I lead myself into a spiral of negative thoughts about it and work myself up about what's going to happen. If I'm talking to someone about it, everyone comments on how calm I am about it. I can rationally explain everything that is going to happen with no hint of worry or fear, but left to think quietly about it for a few minutes on my own and I just work myself up into a complete state. I become panicky and very upset really quickly and don't know what to tell myself to make me feel better. I usually end up texting one of 3 people who I tell the things I'm feeling to personally, rather than just the people who read this and they help to make me feel better but I really wish I could stop winding myself up about it. I just end up frustrated and miserable and thinking horrible things about what's going to happen.

I do try and tell myself that I'm just being silly and that it's not going to help but it never seems to stop me from having all these thoughts. I just wish I didn't have so long between now and July to keep doing this to myself. 

If anyone knows of points of contact that I could try, to try and get some support emotionally, I would be very grateful! 

Take care and stay strong Warriors

xxx