No, this isn't me announcing that I am releasing a new remix of Papa Roach and Stereophonics, this is a blog about two different things!
Scars:
I have two scars from my previous surgery, one starting high up on my chest and running down to about level with the bottom of my sternum and another on my side, running round onto my back a little. They have never, ever bothered me and I have never been self conscious about what I wear to make sure no one can see them and have always thought of them as something that makes me a little different and shows my history. I don't ever get offended when people ask me about them, if it's the first time they've seen the top of my scar or something.
This week my lovely parents have come down to visit and my poor Mum has had an operation on her shoulder 18 days ago. I have now seen her partially healed scar and it's completely freaked me out. I have no idea why but seeing it all red and not properly healed has really unnerved me and made me really freak out about what mine's going to be like whilst it's healing. I don't want to see it at all. I just want it to be looking how it looks now as soon as it's been done, which I know won't happen but the thought of having it there as a wound rather than a scar really, really upsets me. I hate the thought of having to clean it whilst it's still healing and the problems that I might have of it bleeding etc. I really really can't deal with it. I'm hoping that there will be someone I can talk to about it, even though there's absolutely nothing they can do because it's all in my head. This leads nicely onto the second part of my blog...
My own worst enemy:
In this whole run up to the surgery I'm being my own worst enemy and there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it. As soon as I start thinking about the operation I lead myself into a spiral of negative thoughts about it and work myself up about what's going to happen. If I'm talking to someone about it, everyone comments on how calm I am about it. I can rationally explain everything that is going to happen with no hint of worry or fear, but left to think quietly about it for a few minutes on my own and I just work myself up into a complete state. I become panicky and very upset really quickly and don't know what to tell myself to make me feel better. I usually end up texting one of 3 people who I tell the things I'm feeling to personally, rather than just the people who read this and they help to make me feel better but I really wish I could stop winding myself up about it. I just end up frustrated and miserable and thinking horrible things about what's going to happen.
I do try and tell myself that I'm just being silly and that it's not going to help but it never seems to stop me from having all these thoughts. I just wish I didn't have so long between now and July to keep doing this to myself.
If anyone knows of points of contact that I could try, to try and get some support emotionally, I would be very grateful!
Take care and stay strong Warriors
xxx
Monday, 18 March 2013
Sunday, 3 March 2013
Day 110: Meltdown.
Having a massive meltdown about how much I'm going to miss out on because of my stupid operation. No matter how many times you tell me 'It's for my health' or 'you'll be so much happier when it's done' it won't replace the loss of my last Summer as a student. Nothing will replace my boyfriend's 21st Birthday which he's now going up to Scotland for because I'm a shit girlfriend who can't even put on a good celebration for that now.
Yes, I'm sounding selfish and self centered but it's me who's got to go through all of this and miss out on so much that I was looking forward to. Being told that I was going to have this operation originally in 2014, and for the Summer of 2012 not quite living up to how I wish it had. I was trying to make a real effort to make the most this coming Summer.
This is the last Summer I have being a Student, where I don't have a full time job for the Summer Break, where I'd be able to join my friends on adventures before we have to leave this lifestyle for that of full time jobs and setting ourselves up for the future.
I'm no party animal but there were still exciting things coming up. And now all I have is the prospect of a terrifying 10 days stay in hospital (I have panic attacks every time I visit Ward parts of hospitals and even my Mum having an operation on her collarbone yesterday 200 miles from where I am has given me several nightmares) followed by 6 weeks of practical house arrest. I'm not allowed to drive anywhere and have to take it easy with how far I walk. No matter how much my friends offer to take me out and do things which I really really appreciate, I know that it's not going to be the same as what it could have been. Nothing is going to be the same and all because I couldn't be born with a heart that works.
There's a huge online community to make people like me feel special, and it really has helped but part of me still can only ever think of it a hindrance that will come to spoil things once every decade or so. I just wish it wasn't happening. I don't feel special I feel like I'm going to miss out on a big chunk of a part of my life I was really looking forward to.
Battle re-enactment is a really important hobby for me. I was born into it and after a break of several years went back in 2011. Two years later I have found my friends and was really excited to have a good season for it now I have my really good friends there, and also feel a bit more like I know what's going on, now I'm used to it again. I'm going to be able to go to 3 events between now and September and one of those I won't be allowed to take part in or even camp overnight at, because of this stupid operation. We had an excellent event planned for Scotland that fell on the weekend of my boyfriend's 21st birthday, and now I won't be well enough to go up there and won't be able to celebrate his birthday with him unless I insist that he misses out too.
Having to miss out because of my heart is killing me mainly because everyone sees me as someone with absolutely nothing wrong with them unless they know. It's so frustrating and no matter how much I get told that 'I'll feel fantastic afterwards' it's going no way to help make up for what I'm missing out on. There's no way I can get that time back.
Yes, I'm sounding selfish and self centered but it's me who's got to go through all of this and miss out on so much that I was looking forward to. Being told that I was going to have this operation originally in 2014, and for the Summer of 2012 not quite living up to how I wish it had. I was trying to make a real effort to make the most this coming Summer.
This is the last Summer I have being a Student, where I don't have a full time job for the Summer Break, where I'd be able to join my friends on adventures before we have to leave this lifestyle for that of full time jobs and setting ourselves up for the future.
I'm no party animal but there were still exciting things coming up. And now all I have is the prospect of a terrifying 10 days stay in hospital (I have panic attacks every time I visit Ward parts of hospitals and even my Mum having an operation on her collarbone yesterday 200 miles from where I am has given me several nightmares) followed by 6 weeks of practical house arrest. I'm not allowed to drive anywhere and have to take it easy with how far I walk. No matter how much my friends offer to take me out and do things which I really really appreciate, I know that it's not going to be the same as what it could have been. Nothing is going to be the same and all because I couldn't be born with a heart that works.
There's a huge online community to make people like me feel special, and it really has helped but part of me still can only ever think of it a hindrance that will come to spoil things once every decade or so. I just wish it wasn't happening. I don't feel special I feel like I'm going to miss out on a big chunk of a part of my life I was really looking forward to.
Battle re-enactment is a really important hobby for me. I was born into it and after a break of several years went back in 2011. Two years later I have found my friends and was really excited to have a good season for it now I have my really good friends there, and also feel a bit more like I know what's going on, now I'm used to it again. I'm going to be able to go to 3 events between now and September and one of those I won't be allowed to take part in or even camp overnight at, because of this stupid operation. We had an excellent event planned for Scotland that fell on the weekend of my boyfriend's 21st birthday, and now I won't be well enough to go up there and won't be able to celebrate his birthday with him unless I insist that he misses out too.
Having to miss out because of my heart is killing me mainly because everyone sees me as someone with absolutely nothing wrong with them unless they know. It's so frustrating and no matter how much I get told that 'I'll feel fantastic afterwards' it's going no way to help make up for what I'm missing out on. There's no way I can get that time back.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)